I'll Tell You My Sins...*

This post started with an earworm.

I'd first heard this haunting song played through the speakers at the gym a few times, and never managed to identify it through the means of Shazam or SoundHound as I usually leave my phone in the lockers and make do with my trusty iPod, listening to podcasts, and, sometimes wanting to be more individualistic, trying to do squats to Miles Davies, or in moments of angst, working out to more melancholic melodies, the likes of James Blake whose rhythm adds a certain difficulty in trying to achieve a graceful lunge and therefore an added challenge to the whole routine.

Fast forward a few weeks, and there was a viral video on Facebook, depicting at first glance a seemingly naked man in a greenhouse, writhing about on the polished wooden floors. When I clicked "play", I started to be transfixed by the graceful movements of the ballet dancer, who was actually wearing skin-tone tights. After a short while, I realised the melody he was dancing to was the same song which I'd heard a few times in the gym.

After the video ended, I headed to the pool and searched online for the original version on my phone, and discovered the video which upset me to no end, and proceeded to watch it on a loop until the anger and exhaustion of the lyrics sunk in. After that I scoured various sites to read more about the song, and while it was sunny, under the midday sun I felt cold over the comments from readers over the video. More to the point, the video itself portrayed diametric opposites of immense love, and innane hate which in this day and age, is all too real, and which for the most part I feel incredibly lucky to have not been subject to much. 

Now, I am not usually wont to write about heavy-handed topics which attract unsavory comments and debate, as I often find myself flustered when trying to simultaneously searching for facts in my mind while trying to defend my own position and argument, and ending up tongue-tied and frustrated over the ignorance of the opposition. However, like a previous post on domestic abuse which later in sobriety, left me cringing over the fact that I'd tweeted a number of celebrities asking them to spread the message, the subject matter of the video leaves me in no doubt about my position on this: homophobia.

A few days ago I side-stepped the relative comfort of punchy Twitter to post a link to a short film and a heartfelt missive directly on my Facebook page which went beyond 140 characters. This was a viral video in China that reached out to the LGBTQIA+ community, and left me in tears at the end. In the closing credits, the Chinese mothers of the LGBTQIA+ individuals call out in supportive tones to the community and others to "come home" to the family, as it was during the Lunar New Year celebrations. Their snippets of support and verbal embraces were heartwarming, but underneath their calm manner you could see the struggle for answers and explanations. The ability to provide a satisfactory answer is nigh on impossible, because what parent can accept that the child that they have so lovingly nourished and brought up, despite all the attention and love, has deviated from their well-laid plans of becoming a (successful) individual, in tow with a partner of the opposite sex, and who will give them grandchildren to bounce proudly in the faces of their own friends and to proclaim said child's filial piety and conformance to societal norm?

This is further compounded by the fact that "being gay" is seen as a relatively new trend (despite historical evidence across cultures that is constantly disputed), as LGBTQIA+ individuals born in the 80s and beyond start to throw off the shackles that have been previously attached to them. From the damning proclamation of Queen Victoria's support of the Labouchere Amendment on gross indencency (which was later adopted into the constitution of Commonwealth States, and in some cases still remains), to the atrociously named Gay Cancer plague of the 1970s (now known as HIV/AIDS), it is no wonder that homosexuals born in this period had sought to cover up their natural human instinct to be attracted to and/or love another of same sex/similar being. This is further compounded by religion taking the LGBTQIA+ movement's name in vain, further denouncing immorality in the "prescribed" natural order of things. The result is that many of our fore-bearers had, and even many of our generation have to live a lie, living in constant fear of societal expulsion, and generating more issues from unhappy family units to STD epidemics in the meantime. [On a separate note, I was humbled by an article over an article on the altruism of lesbians towards gay men in the 80s AIDS epidemic, despite the ongoing misogyny that gay men exhibit. Article can be found here]

Back to the discussion at hand: my generation by no means has it easy, but somehow we are no longer satisfied of living a lie in order to fit ourselves into outdated pigeonholes which have been crafted through years of ignorance. Therefore, our voices proclaiming individuality and independence is seen as an attack on generations of constructed coherence, divergence from societal norms, and the "shameful" fulfilling of what are essentially natural desires. Through our constant battle to throw off stereotypes that we are cast with, we learn to be stronger, and we learn to accept ourselves as well as others, and build upon the universal knowledge of love. We gradually learn that saying that we are born this way isn't enough, and struggle to cite academic articles, arguments against religious texts, and identify LGBTQIA+ role models who are accepted in mainstream media as reasons in expressing ourselves. 

However, this only further fuels the debate in having to justify ourselves in what we are. Through the years of repression, we are now finding our voices but are reduced to a construct of rational scientific argument in explaining why we are the persons we are. It's not sufficient to merely say that we are born this way, as we do not outwardly project any defining marker that automatically makes it understandable. It is laborious to draw upon the visible birthrights, but ultimately we bear a burden that sex and race cannot convey to the naked eye in being able to safely label oneself whether positively or negatively which still runs rife despite advances in time (cf:misogyny, racial issues).

While I have had it easier than most, I know that my parents still struggle to reconcile themselves with what they perceive "went wrong". This is compounded by their new-born status into the Church, and struggle internally to accept me for who I am. I could respond caustically, and hurt them and drive home more doubt about their individual ability in raising me, but what would that achieve? The only way can I deal with it is to be unflinching in knowing the acceptance of myself is key, and through dialogue in establishing that its a case of "it's not you, and it's not me". I now realise over time that their love is unconditional, but it is their Pavlovian conditioning heaped upon them for their need to fit in comfortably with their peers, reflected in so many others, which hinders them from being to see clearly that despite being different, we are still human beings with the ability to love other humans and each other unconditionally.

Homophobia exists in many forms: from snide comments at school being dished out from kids who are fed knowledge of the world by their ignorant parents; in the workplace where ostracism through lack of career progression and peer acceptance where more schoolyard bullying tactics occur; to active violence towards individuals or groups who have decided not to hide their true nature: the list is immense when it comes to examples. I have experienced some, apart from the last, and its only by sheer force of will that I have been able to play most situations to my benefit. It is routinely soul destroying that while we are brought up to believe that "Love Conquers All", the message of hate is the one that spreads like wildfire and inflicts immediate damage throughout.

At the end of the video in Coming Home, the mothers tell their kids and others in the community to return to their cradle, because the overriding message despite the turmoils, is one of love. So why is it such a difficult argument to make that an individual born into love, that has an unyielding capacity to love, is no different than another despite differences instilled by generational misunderstanding?

So, the next time you look at someone muttering in tattered garb that looks menacing, or bumping into that shrill person who calls you an idiot for ruining their day, before you glare and make a snap judgement, look into your heart to find the understanding to cast love, and disperse the prejudice which we we are prone to. 

*Title courtesy of Hozier